Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

:iconeclectic-reception:
I'm going to actually give you a non-shitty critique this time! Doesn't that make you excited? I usually can't think of anything to say.

Anyway, I liked this as is usual with your writing, but I can't help feeling that Nero's characterization is somehow off. He just seems too open about his inner thoughts and emotions. I think he would be more likely to just say he can't sleep and brush Dante off if the older hunter tries to prod him for an honest answer. Even if Dante accused Nero of lying and declared that he knows the younger man is hiding something from him, I still can't see Nero admitting anything. I think it would take a lot for him to tell Dante the truth, and he would probably do it in a fit of rage over Credo not being saved as he tends to jump to conclusions. I also feel like his dialogue is a little awkward and glib for his character and their relationship, but I'm not sure if that's simply because he's discussing what I previously said I don't think he would share so easily.

On the other hand, Dante seemed in-character to me except for when he starts to tell Nero about Vergil and all that. I think it would take more for Dante to finally open up about that. Even if they are supposed to have been in a relationship for awhile, their characterizations make one feel that they haven't been together for too long and certainly not long enough to be totally comfortable sharing everything with each other. In my experience, it's really hard to be so open with people about some things, even if you've known them your entire life.

Well, I hope this helps you. Personally, I think relationships are really hard to write between these two because they're both so proud and closed up that it takes so much to write them being open with each other without it seeming contrived. It's kind of hard to balance believable characterization with a relationship when writing these two. I myself need to work on this, too. But thank you for sharing this anyway. I still enjoyed it. :heart:
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconbitbyboth:
bitbyboth Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, I know what you're saying about Nero being more closed off and even I was thinking this would be earlier in their relationship-however, because of the way that they're behaving I have it placed further ahead-to at least after the 'Seeking Solace' prompt. I'm sure that crazy timeline gets confusing-it does for me for sure! :D;; So anyway, since it's later in the relationship he trusts Dante at this point and I think he would also want answers. If he didn't, and didn't want to talk about it he would wrestle away from Dante no matter how tightly he tried to hold him :XD: That's the only reason I had Nero say anything in the first place is I feel like he would want to know why Dante didn't help him-for reasons of closure and all that. Nero might bottle it all up and let it come out explosively but...I feel like he wouldn't in this instance because he's just tired and down on himself and he just wants to know the 'why?'

I also think I write Nero differently from a lot of other authors anyway. I think because of the way he acts in-game he portrays himself as angry and hot-headed kind of a loose cannon type character that blows at the slightest provocation. I don't think there's anything wrong with that under the right circumstances but, for me, I think Nero's true character lends more to the calm, shy teenager you see at the beginning and end of the game :3 Though that's just me.

Dante...yeah, I liked wring him this chapter a lot. I love to write hurt/comfort so I was very into writing his actions and dialogue. I think you're spot on with the ending though. I probably should have worked another way around it because it doesn't seem natural that he would jump in to talking about Vergil like that X_X I might end up tweaking that if I can think of a way to end it more smoothly.

Anyway-wrote like a novel here! Thanks for the critique, gives me a lot to think about every time you leave me one! ;)
Reply
:iconeclectic-reception:
eclectic-reception Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I understand what you mean about Nero being like a "shy teenager". To me, however, he's more serious and quiet than shy. He can embarrass easily, but shyness is a whole different thing all together. He's pretty open about expressing himself. I imagine him being comfortable with being aggressive/taunting before he really knows Dante, but, then, being more serious because he worries about his impression on Dante after they know each other. Later on, though, I think he would be comfortable with cracking jokes and taunting Dante (especially after being around Dante, who does the same thing) and getting pissed at him. But in neutral mode, I'd say he would still be serious/quiet. Either way, however, I think he's very protective over himself. Later in their relationship, I don't think it would be difficult for him to trust Dante with everything, but the fact that he is bringing up something that Dante did that can no longer be fixed in anyway (not helping Credo), I think he would be more hesitant because, obviously, if you're bringing up stuff like that, the person you're accusing of wrongdoing is more apt to feel negatively about you. Did any of that make sense? It's a complicated process in my mind; it would take a novel to put into words accurately. xD But I'm not trying to dictate how you write Nero. Everyone's welcome to their own interpretation of the characters. I guess I'm just having trouble seeing Nero acting that way, but I can get what you mean if I really force my mind to imagine it.

It might help if you just write a paragraph describing Dante being apprehensive before deciding to open up to Nero. It makes it a little more believable. I still can't see Dante opening up about it period. He would probably have to consider it for a few days, and, even then, he would probably ultimately decide that it's no longer relevant anyway, so he can keep it to himself. But it's necessary for your fic, I think. Then again, maybe you could just write Dante comforting Nero and have him think about/imply that he is thinking about his own "failure" but not voice it? His actions would imply to Nero that he knows what he's talking about anyway. Just some advice.

You're welcome. I try to leave them more often, but my mind rarely wants to work.
Reply
:iconbitbyboth:
bitbyboth Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yes, the beginning paragraph makes sense! :XD: I'm not going to try to restate it though!

That's a good idea and totally do-able to write an introspective paragraph about Dante before I jump into that last part. I do agree with your thought that he would probably rationalize away needing to talk about it though. I might go that route, it might be something impulsive for him to do, but I might be able to work it out. Thanks for the suggestion :3
Reply
:iconeclectic-reception:
eclectic-reception Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No problem. :)
Reply
:iconbitbyboth:
bitbyboth Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I made some changes to this version ;)
Reply
:iconeclectic-reception:
eclectic-reception Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Kewl. I will check them out.
Reply
Add a Comment: